The Dutch (as related by a Hollander)



  1. Never use the word "Dutch" in front of a Hollander. It reminds him

  too much of the word "Deutsch" which is a word for Germans and other

  things he doesn't like.  A Dutchman is a Hollander or a Nederlander.


  2. Never ever try to speak Hollands even if you have lived in Holland

  for more than five years.  Not only will it give you a splitting

  headache but also Hollanders won't understand a single word of what

  you are trying to say.  Foreigners are expected to speak English or

  gibberish.  Speaking gibberish they are easy prey for pickpockets

  since they can't make a report to the police.


  3. Also never try to eat "drop".  Drop is a kind of licorice that

  only Hollanders can eat.  It can be recognized by its colour: black.

  The taste is a cross between printer ink (blue) and earwax.

  Hollanders absolutely love it and eat kilos of the revolting stuff.

  There is a nationwide conspiracy to look at the faces of foreigners

  who are tricked into believing it is edible.


  4. Do not buy wooden shoes.  They will look absolutely silly on you.

  Which is of course the main reason for selling them to you in the

  first place.

  A Hollander himself wouldn't like to be found dead in them.  (As a

  matter of fact, they wouldn't like to be found dead at all)


  5. Do not make holes in dikes.  Behaviour like that is not only

  frowned upon but in certain cases can get you stoned to death with

  wooden shoes by an angry mob. You may feel free however to stick a

  finger in any dike you like. It'll get you a few good laughs from the



  6. A Hollander is always right and he knows it.  With this in the

  back of your mind it is easy to deal with most of them.  If ever you

  get into an argument with a Hollander, tell him that he is absolutely

  right and that you see the error of your ways.  This will drive him

  absolutely crazy:  Since you are a foreigner you can't be right. You

  agree with him.  Therefore he also cannot be right.  Impossible! He

  is a Hollander.  But.. why.. he..  At this point you may want to

  stand back and watch him try to strangle himself with a tulip.


  7. Windmills are unavoidable.


  8. It is not necessary to show an interest in tulips, windmills,

  wooden shoes or cheese.  Every Hollander knows that you came for the

  softdrugs or the Amsterdam red light district, the Walletjes. Both

  are available in a large quantity and are easy to find.  Ask any

  Hollander age six or older or any French tourist (see items 19 & 20)


  9. Avoid fans of soccer games at all cost.  Soccer in Holland is

  merely an excuse used for bashing in the brains of just about

  everyone else, including yours, after the game is won. ....Or lost.

  ...Or if it is a draw. It is also very unwise to stand near a

  policeman during these festivities. (see item 10) Also, whenever

  there's a Hollander around: "Don't mention the '74 final!".  You'll

  end up in an ongoing discussion about how well the Orange team played

  and how marvelous it is that a small country like Holland has such a

  good team and blah-de-blah-de-blah.


  10. Policemen in Holland may be used for throwing things at.  If you

  feel like hitting someone or something, use a policeman. No Hollander

  will pay any attention if you decide to hit, maim, or kick a

  policeman in the groin.  Policemen represent authority and no

  Hollander recognizes any authority

  higher than himself.  You may also note that a lot of Hollandse

  policemen are in fact foreigners tricked into taking the job.


  11. Hollanders do not like to spend money, they'd sooner cut off

  their own ears.  A Hollander will become a friend for life if you

  give him something for free.  (Note: Social diseases are an

  exception). LOL. This might explain the success of MacDonald's in

  Holland.  The story that copper wire is an

  invention of two Hollanders fighting over a found cent is absolutely true.


  12. Holland is small.  There is a rumour that Holland is put inside

  during rainstorms.  Not true, but that is mainly because it rains

  about 365 days each year.  This might also explain those wooden

  shoes: They float.

  Yes, Holland is small and Hollanders are proud of it.  They will grab

  every opportunity to point out to you that the nation has

  accomplished great things, despite of it being so small. A suitable

  answer to this swank is the Hollander's imperialistic past.  Wich

  brings us -rather nicely- to item


  13. If you wish to insult a Hollander -and sooner or will- simply

  tell him you don't think he is a pacifist.  Now immediately start

  running for your life.  He'll want to prove to you that he is a peace

  loving person and he won't stop proving this until your intestines

  are scattered all over the floor.  However, mentioning a supposedly

  imperialistic past considering Surinam and/or Indonesia, will

  instantly reduce a Hollander to a pathetic, sniffing and crying

  child, begging for forgiveness.


  14. The Hollanders are supposed to be tolerant.  They are not. They

  simply make too much money from the sale of soft- and hard-drugs and

  pornography to foreigners to let an opportunity for making a good

  profit go by.


  15. The main form of public transportation in Holland is bikes. Feel

  free to take any bike of which you are able to pick the lock. Don't

  expect your own bike however to be where you left it three minutes

  earlier.  The hunting season for bikes is open 365 days a year.  Have



  16. At nearly every meal in Holland you will find a small vicious

  looking blade with a slit in it.  It is called a "kaasschaaf" and is

  used for taking very thin (the see-through kind) slices of the

  cheese.  Yes, it is indeed an invention made by a Nederlander. Never

  cut cheese with a knife, you'll make an utter fool of yourself.

  Another peculiar dinner tool is the "flessenlikker", which literally

  means "bottle-licker", but which is best translated by

  "yoghurt-scraper". Note that this tool is not meant to get rid of an

  itchy back or for your nightly escapades. It's designed to clean out

  bottles of yoghurt or "vla" which is a sort of custard.  The

  Nederlanders wants to use absolutely every millilitre of the yoghurt

  or 'vla' he bought.  He paid for all of it and he'll jolly well eat

  all of it.


  17. At the time of this writing, the Hollandse economy is doing quite

  well.  The Hollanders say that this is the result of extensive

  negotiating between parties like the unions, the employers and the

  government.  They even have a name for this: The polder model.

  Foreigners are made to believe that this polder model is the key to a

  healthy economy and if others should follow this polder model, their

  economy's will also improve dramatically.  This is utter nonsense.

  Hollanders just love to talk and talk and talk. Calling al this

  talking negotiations only gives them a sense of doing something

  useful. Talk is not cheap in Holland.


  18. Hollanders like to drown fried potato's in litres of mayonnaise

  and put it in small paper bags.  This is called "een patatje met".

  One of these bags can sustain life over an indefinite period.  Not

  everyone agrees if it is the sort of life worth living. Some

  foreigners however are reported to have actually liked eating it.


  19. Hollanders have a special and unique service for -mainly- French

  tourists.  As soon as they cross the border between Belgium and

  Holland, they are welcomed enthusiastically by young men in fast

  cars.  These young people wish to point out to the French tourist

  where the more interesting touristy places in Holland can be found.

  Strangely enough they always seem to end up in a coffee shop (see

  item 20).  Funny people those French.


  20. There is a fast and guaranteed way of making a complete fool of

  yourself in Holland:  Enter a coffee shop and ask for a cappuccino.

  Coffee shops do not -remember this- do not sell coffee.  You can

  however get a good number of other stimulating drugs there.  For some

  unknown reason coffee shops are extremely popular with French



  21. A Fries is a semi-detached sort of Nederlander, living in the

  north of the country in a  province all for himself.  He is fond of

  frozen water, Beerenburg (which is a form of euthanasia with alcohol)

  and continuously pointing out to non-Fries Hollanders that they are

  -indeed- not Fries.  The rest of the Hollanders look upon this

  behaviour with the good natured ambivalent feelings that parents have

  for an obstinate child.


  22. On the matter of what books to buy before you come to Holland, I

  can recommend the following: The complete works of William

  Shakespeare or a leather-bound volume of the Encyclopaedia Britannica

  (the 1913 copy: Fr to He).  In my experience these two books have

  just about the right weight for clubbing a pushy drug dealer or pimp

  on the head without leaving any marks.  After hitting you might want

  to drop the book you were carrying at that moment for a more speedy

  retreat.  Bring plenty of books.


  23. Do not bother to hire a car.  Not only can you steal more bikes

  than you will need but car-traffic in Holland is not something you

  will enjoy. In the rest of the world traffic jams are measured in

  miles or kilometres, Nederlandse traffic jams are measured in weeks.

  As a  matter of fact, the more persistent traffic-jams are well worth

  a touristic visit.  The sight of starving people in an expensive

  Mercedes can be quite uplifting if you are of a philosophic nature.

  You may want to bring some pieces of bread with you to throw through

  open car windows.  The resulting fights can often be worth watching.


  24. Contrary to popular belief, you may not bring your mother-in-law

  to Holland for do-it-yourself euthanasia.  Tourists are warned not to

  take these matters into their own hands.


  25. Whether you are catholic, Muslim or worshipper of Urrrgl, god of

  all honest politicians, in Holland you are likely to run into a

  church, temple or oak-tree-and-virgin of your liking.  Hollanders are

  supposed to be very tolerant of other believes, ways of life and

  religious convictions. They are not.  The only reason for there being

  so many different churches, sects and cults is the fact that

  Hollanders disagree on just about anything.

  A Hollander is always right (see item 6) and anyone who thinks

  different than him can jolly well bugger off and start his own church.


  26. Holland is a kingdom.  It has no king but a queen and her husband

  is no king but a prince.  The queen doesn't rule the country -well,

  not much anyway- but she is very good at opening bridges, roads and

  visiting other countries.  She is also very decorative at state

  banquets.   Her son, the crown prince, will be king as soon as she

  stops queening (nice word eh?).

  Now his wife won't be a queen but she will be a princess because

  Nederland is much too small for a king and a queen at the same time.

  On April the 30th its Queen's Day, which is not the  birthday of the

  queen, but the birthday of princess Juliana the queen's mother (who

  used to be the queen).  It is no wonder that more and more

  Nederlanders wish to make Holland a republic.  Queen's Day, by the

  way, has nothing to do with royal festivities.  It's just a

  Hollander's excuse to drink large quantities of alcohol.  On Queen's

  Day Hollanders also sell garbage in the streets.


  27. It might be wise to learn how to swim if you visit Holland. No,

  the dikes will hold, that is not the problem.  The huge amount of

  ditches, moats, canals, rivers and brooks can however  lead to

  mistakes.  The shiny nice new asphalt road that you wish to drive

  your car on during a rainstorm, may in fact not be a road at all.


  28. The Hollandse art.  Most Nederlandse painters get to be famous

  only after they have died.  That is a very sensible arrangement from

  the publics point of view.  Not only do you get large quantities of

  paintings -a man has got to eat, right?- but it also makes a nice

  investment for art-lovers. The painters themselves do not share this

  view at all but are unable to do anything about it.  In at least one

  case the frustration has led to self-mutilation involving an ear.


  29. If one of your Hollandse friends invites you for a birthday

  party, prepare yourself for a  unique experience. Unique, because it

  can only be compared to taking place on a wooden chair which has a

  sharp nail driven through the underside of the seat, and not being

  able to move for a month.  More than one foreigner has been driven to

  the brink of insanity in just one evening.  A Hollandse birthday

  party consists of sitting in a chair, talking to other Hollanders

  about your work, your car, foreigners and politics. You are expected

  to leave at 11 pm and you'll gladly do so.


  30. Do not get sick in Nederland.  Over the last ten years, the

  famous Hollandse healthcare has been privatised.  These days some

  operations, like open heart surgery, have a waiting list of more than

  six months.  The doctors don't think that is a problem, "More than

  half of our patients for open heart surgery never even show up

  anyway" they say.  Some Nederlandse patients who have become

  desperate, move to a country like Mozambique, Iraq or Pakistan where

  healthcare is infinitely better.


  31. Nederlanders leave their curtains open in the evening.  This used

  to be so that the neighbours could always check if your family didn't

  gamble or drink alcohol.  These days it is a precaution against

  junkies trying to steal the stereo from the family car, parked in

  front of the house.  It has the fortunate side effect that you can

  watch Hollanders in their natural surroundings, in front of the

  television, watching soaps.


  32. Holland has more cities than only Amsterdam.  Like ...erm.

  ...Well, it has!!


  33. Hollandse beer has made quite a reputation for itself over the

  years.  Some people even drink it.  Brewing is indeed one of the

  things Hollanders traditionaly do very well.  Holland never used to

  be a country with anything more interesting to do than to drink

  oneself blind in new and interesting ways or make paintings.  This

  made the beer industry very popular.  Experts claim that once you

  have drank Hollandse beer like Heineken, Grolsch or Amstel, all other

  beers taste like the tapwater in a Rotterdam hotel.


  34. Hollandse tapwater is safe to drink.  This is quite remarkable

  considering that most drinking water comes from poluted rivers like

  the Rhine.  Plans to improve the quality of the riverwater, so that

  fish like salmon will return to Hollandse rivers to spawn, can count

  on strong resistance from the Nederlanders.  They don't like the idea

  of animals having sex in their drinking water.


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